{uP and dOwn}

life is like a circle..
sometime we are on top..
and sometime we are at the bottom..

love is like a circle too..
even though the shape doesn't seem so..
sometimes we are happy together..
and sometime we felt hatred to each other..

the truth is i never felt the hatred but kind of ..no word can tell it..
he make me wonder if i am the only one feel the love.
he make me tired of thinking whether you are really in love with me.

today is 31st December 2009..about 23 hours before new year.
which means we have been together for 2 years.
he make me wonder whether he knows this date or not.
deep inside me i feel he doesn't.

but deep inside me i hope he does.

i love december because we gonna have 4days of working days a week. it always been a holiday for every week.

a year ago. at this time i was in Tanjung Karang. i will be back to HUKM for every week on December. much more often than he does. he was back here in hukm only once in 2 months. he make me crazy. but only me i think. sad.

we are celebrating our first year of being together. but only me who remember the date i guess. he never mention about it.

maybe i am so childish. expecting everyone remember all special dates in my life. but i really want him to remember that date. but it is ok for me. just an accidental date that i have choose maybe.

in future i hope he do remember our engagement date and anniversary as well.
hopefully.

i wrote this in sad mode
it is ok to be sad.
love is like a circle.
even though the shape doesn't seem so.

i bought this during Asian medical student conference which held in Taiwan last July 2009.
the best of it is i went to the top of the hill which there is a very beautiful and magnificent view of hills up there which used to be their aboriginal group village.
so, both cute things above are wearing the aboriginal customs!

~~My Wedding Plan~~

..(^-^)...-in happy mode-
When should i get married?..oppsss..not even engange!..ok..rephrase: When should i get engage?
When will be the right time for me?
I kept telling my self that I have to wait until my sister getting married first then will be me..but..waiting for her is such a waste..she is single and available..so i decided to narrowing my waiting time..i will wait until I finished my medical school..if she does not getting married until then I will married him..
is that clear?..clear enough..
..but..
few weeks ago, one lecturer told us that you should not refrain you self from getting married with the reason of your study..because when your mind and thought tells you that you can do it..yet you have to tell your mind that you can do it..thus..nothing is impossible..
..it is true though..
what should i do?
so i come out with this plan..
my problem is..my family does not know him..or even does not know that i'm with him..why?..as you may guess..i am still studying..yet my sister is still single with same profession i'll be later..so..maybe..i repeat..MAYBE..they think that it is impossible for medical student to fall in love..hahhaha..such a very good hypothesis..yet it is wrong..totally wrong..there are few of us..stucked to each other..including me..(^-^)

thus i have plan it carefully here..there are few step i have to go through before my wedding day..

1. Meet his family
of course i have to do that..i dont know why..i think i have to get to know them before hand..i means before engagement or what so ever related to it..i really mean it..for me..meeting his parents means we are in an established relationship even though i think we are in that position now..or in other word our relationship has been approved by his parents..my parent?..dont asked..they will agree with me for sure only if they are here..

2. Bring him to meet my BIG BRO
since both my parent are not here anymore so the responsible lies to my BIG BRO laa..as my wali..and as a chief of my family..for me when i bring him home that is mean we will getting engage soon..so this family meeting will be the 'merisik' part..i dont know what is merisik is going about..but in my thought i guess it is like a small discussion regarding our relationship. of course my brother have to know about it..set a date fore engagement..supposedly hantaran kawen should be discuss during the engagement day..but i preferred it to be discuss during this meeting..so he must ask my brother how much will be my hantaran kawen and mas kawen..hehehhe..not to forget my wedding date!
but i doubt whether i have no ask my sister to meet him as well. still thinking about that. i mean my elder sister, not the single one. she is important for me. she is the one who taking care of me. so it is such a appreciation for her to meet him with my brother at the same time. but i will ask her first..

3. Engagement day
no explanation needed i guess..but must be as soon as possible!..hehhe..around one month time after he meet my brother or even earlier but not later than that..dont know why i want it so soon..so this gonna be around mei 2010 or early june 2010.hopefully..ameen..

4. Wedding day
I rather choose my wedding day here but there is a possibility of my nikah day and delayed walimatul urus..so this thing should be discuss during our engagement day or even earlier..i should discuss with him before hand..

next will be my time line for my wedding plan..

1. Meeting his parent -
this can be at any time..no sweat..:P

2. Meeting my BIG BRO -
he is insist to meet my brother since..mmm quite long time..since 1 year ago if i not mistaken..the right time will be whenever i have successfully enter 5th year..which means few months ahead..why?..because i am failed one of the posting in my 4th year..hopefully only one pray not more than that..so there is doubt in my heart is there any chance for me to pass?..i will try my best thus we will be in 5th year together.why in 5th year?..i pretty sure that this is my final year..next will be our housemanship if only we are pass..pray for that as well..
i guess we will entering our 5th year around early april 2010. doing our ssm posting first. so maybe this will an ample time for us to meet up with both parents.

3. Engagement day -
this is depends on both family..and depends on our time as well..hopefully as soon as possible..(-0-)..hehehe..
around one month time after he meet my brother or even earlier but not later than that..dont know why i want it so soon..so this gonna be around mei 2010 or early june 2010.hopefully..ameen..

4. Wedding day -
is either before or after we are finishing our professional exam. why? it is depends..i rather hope we are able to get married before applying for our housemanship..should ask my sister regarding this!..if the time line of professional exam and applying date is so soon that means i rather getting married before the exam..but if the timeline is not so soon for us to get married first so choose after.

me and you

me and you
we are like enclose each other
we are complete each other
we are fit to each other too

thank my dear for being wif me..
love you with wholeheartly!

~~heart vs love~~

hatiku berbunga-bunga..heeeeee...ske...(^-^)
let me tell you how the story begins..:P..
my love one is..my beloved dear boyfriend..
suddenly this feeling come..feel so much in love..
my friend has once said..when you are deeply in love how ugly the person is you will feel you are walking on the flower together..
at first i denied it..but...sebenarnye it is true..malu nak ngaku..hehehhehe..:-P

me n my love one..we went to the same matric (KMPK)..not just that we are in the same lecture..hehehhehe..but only on the second sem..he was on the other lecture during first sem..transfer to my lecture during second sem..logically, whenever there is new students came in 100% sure you will recognized that person and observed them carefully..hahaha..that's human..during that time few students transferred to my lecture include him..but he is the only guy..me and friends love to gossiping about our lecturemate..then when this one guy came in..omigod..unfortunately he is not handsome..sad..xbleh nak cuci-cuci mate..heeee..besides that he is kind of weird..maybe he is new..he is quite dependent on the others girls who also newly transferred..we postulated that he might be in love with either one of them..maybe..if not..why he will go to them at the back of the lecture hall whenever there was break between lecture?..nevermind..none of my bussiness i guess..:P

later when i was offered to further my study in UKM, the only person that i know from my matric was Dalila, we are from same group in the matric..i was like katak bawah tempurung during my matric time..i knew few person only..now i realized that there many of them from same matric as me which i do not know of..hahhaha...during the first year Dalila told me that there are few person that i might knew which came from same matric as us which are Fadhli (he was the Jawatankuasa Pelajar in the matric)----->sadly..ak xkenal pon..:-(..muahahha..then she said there is one more which the guy who is entered our lecture during second sem..that is him..so we are in the same university and course now..:-)..but nothing special feeling..just ignorance..

year gone by..on my second year i was transfered out to outside hostel..there is one guy add me on my friendster..that is him..ok..just approve..my coursemate..i am not sure whether he has wrote any comment or anything..

later a night before my osce exam which on my birthday..suddenly i recieved one message wish me gudluck for my exam..not just that..he told me his name as well..as he might expected that may not have his number..shocked to death..that is him...errr..why???..giler ape..layan je la kan..coursemate..he knows that my birthday is the osce day..
i am not sure whether we were in the same osce group or not..but i remember that he approached me after the osce finished and ask do i do well in the exam..errrkkkk..i dont know how to answer..malu..:-)..forgot what did i reply..but i have reply something and run away from him..nnt org buat cite plak..

from that moment, we are starting sms every night..until one day he ask me to be his special one..mengucap sepuluh kali mase tu..terkejut beruk..i dont know that he like me..he even did not show anything or told me anything about his feeling or anyhting related to it..besides..we are just getting to know each other for more than one month i guess..:P..so i said give me time to think..
actually deep in my heart i was stunted..it was like a dream..but..i like the word he use which unfortunately i has deleted the sms because it was full with all the bahasa sastera melayu..geli nk bace..tp suke..:P

everyone ask me..not everyone, whenever girls talk about men sometimes they ask how is my mr right that i wish for..

i usually said..i dont care about his face..xensem pon xpe..i do care bout his feeling..i want a gentlemen person and damnly honest to me..no lie!..because i was cheated once!!!!!!..i hate it so much till there was suicidal thought in my mind..it is difficult to recover..and i want my boyfreind later fullfill what i really want..honesty..i dont like guy who is really expert with their tongue..who is sweet tongue..because that type of guy can manipulate things easily..which means they will lie..i did told them that i hate those sms me to get to know me but did not mention their name or even put their other name..which is a lie as well..i dont like it..it is not honest..how handsome you are..but i will reject them.

back to the story of my love one..actually i never expect there is one person in the earth who will introduce himself at his first sms..he even told me where he got my number which no doubt i knew that person..he is truly honest and straight foward..he has fulfill the criteria that i need..but the thing is..he is the one i dont like during my matric time.eeerrrkkkk..
i keep in my mind that i have to get to know this person..my perception bout him last time might be wrong..:-)

so i tried to get to know him..he once asked me out for dinner..omigod..malunyeee nak pegi..he said i was allowed to bring one friend with which so do him..tp..malu laa..dh la kenal sms je..jumpe pon tunduk je kot..so i refuse it as i said i dont want to out with a men..deep inside jump out to say yes..but who i want to ask to accompany me..my room mate???..mati laa..diorg xtau pon pasal bdk ni..:-(..

few months later, i have decided to accept to be with him..sebab..sebab..he is damnly honest..i love it..i love to talk to him..it was like a soul medication..i wont feel stress..even though it is not related..but..he did not ask me about that anymore..malu la nk ty..mcm perigi cr timba je..:-(..

but on the 1st January 2008 i tried to told him that i want to be with him..but later he replied thank you..wow...xsangkenye..he said thank you..unexpected answer..:-)..i do remeber that date because it is difficult for me to raise my confidence to say that..but i dont know whether he did remember or not..i bet he dont..:-(..because..there are only few numbers he can remember..which is his phone number, my birthday, his...errr..few friends birthday..selamat my birthday die igt..:-)..

i started with zero..i dont have any feeling to him actually..i bet so do him..i dont knoe the truth..but i think so..because he is like a person with no heart..i love to talk to him..he will think differently from me..which is i found it interesting..all his opinion will opposite to me..he let my mind open to other side of world..;-)

on my third year we are transferred to HUKM..we are near but seldomly meet up..maybe once in a month..or even more than that..later we become more closer to each other until now..
one year ago he will ask me out for once a month..then once in 3week..later became once in 2weeks..now we are together every weekend..or even more than that..

whenever i think about it..i dont want to stop loving him..i like it soooo muchh..

last month my cousin getting engage..he ask me to get engage as well..the first thing came out from my mind is..IS HE SERIUS???..mcm xserius je..i ask is he really want to get engage..he said he really wanted to get engage and he is serius to do so..i dont know what to say..he ask me few time to meet my brother..tapiii..takutttt...nobody in my family know our relationship..i dont know how and where to start..beside, i have one sister who did not getting married yet or even single and available..

i do want to marry him..i really do..i want him for the rest of my life..love him so much..love you so much!!!!!!..

dh lame xpost anything..even gmbr..
xtau la knape..dh bosan kot ngadap laptop je..
arini rase cdh..ari2 pon cdh gak..tp arini rase nk luahkan kn kt cini..
cdh ni kn dlm ati je..kt luar..muka n perangai xsedih pon..sbb xsuke org tau bile kite cdh..nnt org ty..lg cdh..klu bleh xnak pikir..tp..mkn lame dipendam lg saket..
my bf ckp lelaki ni cepat cemburu..
die pon mcm tu..ok la kite faham laa..malas nk saketkan ati sape2 kan..igtkan die jenis xkesah je..sbb..die pon bukannye observant sgt..kite ni yg sgt observant!..kite patut lg jeles kot..tp..simpan je laaa..die bkn laki aku pon..
dulu penah snap pic ngan laki mase kt conference..for me..klu die pon snap pic mcm tu..bleh terima kot..sbb obsviously nothing will happen..org tu pon bkn islam pon..mkn babi lg..xensem plak tu..so many things to be considered before let my temper out..if i was him..if i was him laaa kan..masalahnye x..the reason y i took that pic sbb they r the closed friends of mine mase kt conference tu..of coz for kind of memory nk took pic ngan diorg kan..mmm...different people different view..bleeewwweeekkk..benci giler!!!..ske ati laa kan..then my fault is i upload it into my fb..but!..before i decide to uploading any pic of coz i choose which i should post and which one are not..the reason y i upload those pic wif the guys is..as stated above..they are not muslim..xensem..kenal 2 minggu..DEFINITELY NOTHING WILL HAPPEN BETWEEN US!!!..xtau la ap yg die fikir ek..but the thing is..he angry wif me rearding thos pics..and the reason behind is..of coz..pic wif guy n xensem..tau plak..sbb tu la ak post kot..ngeng betol!..tu pon nk jeles..he mentioned that his fren kutuk2 those pic as well..and die tercabar la konon..bleeeewwwweeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!...geram ak..tp dlm ati je laaa..dh org nk marah..kite pon delete la gmbr tu..xfaham betol..malas nk pikir..i asked him whether he really angry of those pic or he is shamed of his friends word?..the answer is those pic..tp ak dh post gmbr tu..2-3ari kot..baru nk marah..mmm..we haven't discuss about that thing after that..for me..that is not really good reason to get jealous..if you dont like it..fine!..i won't do it next time.....i do care about it even though it is silly reason for me..
but...if i looked back..i kept taking care of his feeling rather than me..he never do it for me..he is such a very an observant person...i can say it out loud..you are not observant..such a very simple thing which people might get it he doesn't..coz of his nature i do apologize him for whatever he is doing..but..i do get jealous as well..everyone should..but..did he ever appreciate it..did he able to recognize it?..makan hati je laaa..i never been in same group wif him..not even in same posting..thus i'm not sure bout his relationship wif other girls in my batch..i dont want to make my self busy of thinking bout it and stalking him..just make a positive thinking that i believe in him..he is honest..yes very honest person..that y i do love him..he is loyal tooo..but..sometime whatever he is doing make me feel sad..he doesnt think what is the effect of his doing..mcm budak2..should i told him whenever i get jealous..whenever i get angry..whenever i fell sad..should i?.. from my face he should know..takkan la nak nangis..yes i did cry..but whenever i am alone..in my room..in the middle of night..then next morning mata bengkak..xsuke..nnt org ty..:-(
until now i haven't told what make me fell sad..yes..i rather keep it in myself..coz it is too painful for me to said it..to blame other people..yet i feel this is the better way..nobody will read this i hope..i wont tell anybody even the closest friends of mine..
there is one girl from his ssm group..better not to tell her name here..she prettier than me..everyone agree bout that..she is slimmer than me..she is clever than me..she is a polite girl..sounds like a gadis melayu terakhir i can say..she is everything more than me..i dont care actually..everyone has their own specialty..i do admire my self than other..that is me..they are in same ssm group and of coz in same group..is that the reason they are getting close..dont know..dont have motivation to get to know bout it..whenever she posted anything in the fb he will comment on it..yeah..it is happen to me too..and do it to others too..but not on every posts..even feel like to do it..but i know everyone is reading those post..they may get misunderstood..that is what happen to me..may be i just misunderstand..but it make me sad..and he did not notice it..at first i dont want to took it seriously..until..he post somthing ..and she comment on it..yeah i know..it is normal..let me tell what is the content..roughly it is sounds like this..HE:.."saw a brutallity and violence patient in the clinic today"-just what i can remember..few of my friend did comment on it as well..as well as the girl..SHE:.."i was there as welll..xtakot pon"..yeah i shouldn't get angry right..i'm not angry of her statement..i am angry because HE reply this: "*** ko xtakot eh..nnt ko selamatkan ak eh"...do i ever tell other guy to save me..i know he will get angry if i ask other..but why he ask other girl..even though it sound joke..but..i am devastated..why shouldn't he think what i think..bravely i reply: better you watch out whatever words that coming out from your brain..end up he did not reply..as well as everybody except one (one guy comment -owned-)...should i break up wif him..should i..it will break my heart tripple as i break his heart..am i perasan sorg2..ye kot..

i was thinking a head..what if i get married wf him..but he does not change..i will sad all the way..when will this end..soon?..nope..i know..